Conversations with an Indigo Soul

The indigo soul travelled a long way to get to me
He and I collided in the Eternal City in another life
The indigo soul did not believe there were others like him
Others whose waters ran to the core of the earth

I and the indigo soul traversed the globe in our own private universes
I found my sanctuary
In a little blue house on a hill
The indigo soul coveted a sanctuary
As he stood bewildered in the midst of collective chaos

At the precipice of madness the indigo soul found me again
He has come home to one of his own

I put my arms around the indigo soul and felt him crumbling from within
I looked upon him and saw the devastated ravines etched through his consciousness
I saw all of him in a moment

Look upon the city and allow me to take you out of it
Let me drive you away into another reality
Let me give to you my sanctuary
So you may drink from the waters there and rediscover hope

The indigo soul stood mystified in the middle of my sanctuary
His eyes revealed the yearning in him to be whole, to be safe … to belong

The indigo soul and I sit on the veranda gazing at potential
Peace envelopes him like a burgundy blanket
But still his waters move within
His waters are not unified
They form stagnant lakes, torrid rapids, impossible depths and hidden pools
He does not believe that anyone understands his waters
He does not understand them himself
But he knows they exist

I see them as clearly as I see the landscape before me
I look at him, contemplate him, look into him
And I do not see a man
I see an indigo soul

Layer upon layer of fragility
Fortified barriers of doubt, indecision and insecurity
Crevices of hurt
Black holes of seeping agony
Undercurrents of cream coated anger

A brilliant mind
A mind that is trapped in a gilded cage of logic
He did not create the cage himself
He allowed others to erect it piece by piece
To make him more like them

The indigo soul is a shape shifter
He has spent his life transforming himself into the image of others
In a futile attempt to belong
And it has worn his soul into a canyon of purple self-betrayal

In the deepest ravines of his canyon is a yearning for acceptance
He does not believe that the indigo of his soul will be accepted by others
So he has revealed only his outer rims of colour
The colours that allow him to identify with others
Indigo is a very rare colour to find
It makes him different
Because of this difference he has an irrational sense of being wrong
He has covered the majestic indigo lining of his soul with other people’s ideas of what he should be

He has forgotten what he is

The time has come
The time has come for him to rediscover who he is
In the safety of my sanctuary
In the little blue house on the hill he will find his salvation
His indigo revelation to the world

I am here for you
You are safe now
Only part of the indigo soul believes it

So how do you feel about your life?
Trapped in a storm of convention
Teetering on the brink of brilliance
Trying to make other people happy by fitting in places he does not belong
You cannot keep doing that
It offers you nothing but the hollowing out of your own heart

The indigo soul has been forced into a field that reveres reason above truth
It is making him sick
He seeks another path
He fears another direction
Is what I’ve been told my whole life wrong or am I wrong to have believed it?
He already knows the answer
But he has defied it his whole life

Do you want to be accomplished at fraudulence or do you want to be critiqued for genius?
He fears his own capabilities
He recognises them within himself
But he allows other architects to design his buildings for him
They construct structures around him that sate the masses
And he resents them for it
But he timidly shies away from the gnawing thought that his individuality will be dismissed
He does not consider the possibility that this does not matter
That his true construction will transcend their inability to identify or analyse it
That it will stand alone as a monument to iconic truth
A truth that they cannot conceive of and are unwilling to understand

The indigo soul believes that if he unleashes his truth he will be rejected
And he needs acceptance
So he scurries into a cave of indifference concluding that he will fail either way
If he continues to become accomplished on a hollow path then he betrays his own soul
If he fights to manifest his truth to the world then he risks never finding acceptance
On both counts he is wrong
And a part of him knows this
He knows his soul is too powerful to be ignored or placated with indifference
He knows he seeks acceptance in the wrong spaces

The violence of his need for acceptance shakes him out of the safe confines of logic into the vast desolate field of vulnerability
There is security in the familiar
He cleaves to it
It takes red courage to change the course
You have to venture into the depths of your waters
Into all those dark spaces
You have to be prepared for what you will be confronted with down there
Vivid recollections
Blistering bruises
Loss
Regret

You have to sit in these spaces and feel the darkness in them
You have to feel your way through them naked and stripped of reason
You have to want to go down there
Do you want to go down there?

The indigo soul recoils in terror
Brazenly realising that he no longer has a choice
His path has led him to this
He now has to face himself
Loose himself
Find himself

I and the indigo soul reflect upon this
Our feelings about it are quite different
The indigo soul is frightened
Through the pensive brown pools of endless possibilities in his eyes there is fear
Yet the beat of inspiration courses through his blood
Still, one stagnant ashen thought paralyses him…
What if I do not like who I am?

I feel and see something different
When confronted with the possibility of diving into the waters of the indigo soul my own soul cries out ‘suit me up!’

I am interested in all your spaces
There is nowhere I would not go with you
There is nothing down there that will make me turn away
I will not want to go back to the surface
Because I know what’s down there
And it excites me

There are tumultuous self-destructive rips that will threaten to pull your insides apart
There are monsters lurking in the shadows disguised as old faces and familiar friends
There is escapism down there, befitted in a cloak of starry indifference
There are demons that will not want you to come back
These things do not bother me

I will fight through them to get to what lies deeper
The indigo river
Mystically powerful
Proudly innocent
Frightfully intense
Overflowing with jewels from the core of the earth
Waiting patiently to birth its wonders to the world

I cannot wait to see it all
It does not frighten me
Because I know beyond doubt that it will be one of the most stunning things I will ever lay eyes on
It will be perfect
It will be perfect because it cannot be anything other than perfect
The darkness and the light inherent in it will be beautiful
It will be the illumination of a whole being
A being with a rare indigo soul
A precious and marvellous thing to behold

If you let me it will be my honour to take your hand and dive in with you

But do not expect the impossible of me

I can go into all the spaces with you
But I will not feel them the way you feel them
Because they are yours and yours alone
I will visit them with you
But I have no power to change what’s within them
I have no power to alter, shift or defy what’s in them

My power is in accepting all I see as a gift from you
It is in acknowledging every part of you
It is in accepting every fibre of your essence

I can tell you what I see there and how I feel about what I see
I can tell you how beautiful I think you are
But I cannot make you believe it yourself

I can register the demons down there
But I cannot fight them for you
I will think no less of you because they are there
And I can hold you when they are vanquished and you are shaken to your very core

I cannot anticipate what you will find down there
Nor can I predict how powerfully you will react to the darkness and the shadows
But I can understand
I can understand all your elements indigo soul
All I want from you is what you are
The indigo soul worries that he is too intense, too deep, too different
He worries that he is not worthy
He worries that he is boring
So he shows people only the surface parts of himself
Safe in the knowledge that if they do not like what he is then he knows he has not shown them what he is
What if I reveal my indigo soul and people find me….. boring

This insecurity truly fascinates me
How could anyone possibly think of the indigo soul as boring?
It is a puzzling impossibility
Until I remember that other people are not like I and the indigo soul
Who cares if people that have no capacity to understand you find you boring?
The indigo soul realises this too
But his need to be accepted tricks him into believing that what most people think of him should matter

This behaviour of the indigo soul is foreign to me
But I understand it
I have worried that I am too intense, too deep, too serious
But never that I am boring
If I am not boring to myself then I have no capacity to be boring

I have another protective mechanism that functions in a similar way to that of the indigo soul
I do not only present surface elements of myself
I smack people in the face with my essence
If I am too much for them, which I usually am, then I want to know it before I have a chance to get attached to them
If I lay all my cards on the table and they reject me it is a fleeting heartache
If I gradually present little pieces of my soul in the hope that I will not frighten them off then I risk much more
I risk letting someone in who does not have the capacity to understand my soul
I risk developing feelings for them
I risk feeling for them only to get rejected for who I truly am in the end
And I see it as impossible to not eventually reveal all of myself

In this way I do things very differently from the indigo soul
But we are both the same
We have the same fears and worries because our waters share the same depth
We have different internal landscapes
But the depth of our waters is the same
This is a very rare and precious occurrence
Both I and the indigo soul realise this

But the indigo soul is still trapped in the idea constructed for him that he should be able to alter his depths to identify with others
He still seeks to do this
And it makes him feel hollow

I stopped doing it a long time ago
I can only covet and hold onto other people that understand and accept my body of water
I adore those rare others that share the same depth
And I value those who do not yet who accept mine for what they are
Life is too short for me to do anything else

The indigo soul is beginning to awaken to this truth
And it is a remarkable thing to witness
His brilliance is draped in excessive modesty
He has no idea just how beautiful he truly is
This morning the indigo soul ran
He has been running his whole life
Running for other people
Running for respect, for praise, for acceptance
Running from his own capabilities
Running from failure
Running from brilliance
Running for the shallow accomplishment of mediocrity

He has had enough
He longs for so much more
There is an intensity in his longing that is sublimely fragile
There is majesty in the depths of his longing
That resonates with me

He feels he is on the precipice of something great
But untimely caution makes him hesitate to jump off
It is a very deep human predicament

He is clever at deflecting people away from his depth
He is clever at convincing them that he is the same as they are
But he knows that he does not fool me
And he knows that he does not need to

He finds this unfamiliar and disconcerting
He is intimidated and fascinated by how far I can see into him
Yet he does not realise just how much I can see
If he did he would unnecessarily quiver with trepidation
For he would fear that I was privy to secret spaces that would make me think less of him
I do not
I think more of him
He is, without doubt, the most intriguing soul I have ever encountered

That is why he has come to me
Because his soul registers with mine

I look into his eyes and I understand him
This is something he has searched for but never found
He had almost given up the idealistic belief that there might be someone out there across the broad spectrum of humanity who understands him
Now he has found it he does not know what to do with it
But he will

The indigo soul needs to traverse through his thoughts
He has decisions to make
Choices to consider
Hard ones

He needs to write down what’s in there
But his thoughts are fragmented pieces of ruby stained glass
They do not appear in a logical or cohesive pattern
The mathematical training of his mind prevents him from articulating his truth
As a result the lamentations and odes of his soul remain unwritten and without a voice
I believe he will rectify this when he makes a choice to do so
His truth will be released
Even if only for himself

I look at him and see a tapestry of untapped potential that is hauntingly exquisite
Show me your river of darkness and I will show you mine
We can craft a boat to sail upon them

I will point out to you the treasures that you already hold in your depths
And I will give you some of mine

I am already yours to discover

Let me into you

Unlock yourself to me

I will never forsake you
The indigo soul stirs thoughts within me
Questions arise from the depths to invade the confines of my mind
The search for answers flickers white light through my veins

Do you need to share a similar history with someone for them to fully understand you?
Yes
I can visit places in you that are unfamiliar to me
But I am equipped with the ability to only truly understand what I know myself

Can an undercurrent of familiar experience in the rivers of live weave two people together?
Yes
It can fuse two souls together in a connection that they cannot control
It can create a unity of truth that resounds powerfully within them
It allows them to craft a new space that is theirs alone
It is untouchable and unfathomable to the outside world

If I am a product of my experience, does that mean I am the same as the other soul who knows what I know?
No
But it means they can reach into parts of me that others cannot

Can you persuade someone to realise things they cannot see? Or do they have to reach you on your level? What if their waters do not run as deep, but there is a fracture in their foundation that will allow an inlet of water to drip deeper? Can you reach it if they are not aware of its presence?
I fear no
Are you capable of altering someone else’s perception?
Is it a grandiose notion of self that urges me to do so?
Because my waters are deep does that make me special?
What if everyone had inexplicably deep oceans resounding in them – what would I have to give then?
I have been chastised for my waters. I have been berated. I have been misjudged
I am misunderstood
Assumptions have been made about me
Someone who runs so deep cannot possibly be stable says the fellow with the shallow pool of reason
Because I experience everything in this life with fierce intensity does that make me unstable? Does it make me different?
Does it make me … unreachable?

What is it in me that drives me to try to save other people?
That old line from Oriah, ‘I want to save them so it will not hurt as much that I cannot save myself’ does not ring as true with me anymore
I have saved myself many times over
Clawed my way up the harsh ravines of depression
Fought my way through the dark grey spitting wilderness of despair
I have always come back to the light

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